Friday, September 11, 2009

97. Seven Mummies - Treasure Of The Seven Mummies.

I'm so god damn excited.
This next movie, also available on NETFLIX streaming, seems like it's going to be one hell of an 87 minute journey.
Remember when I mentioned that it says a lot about a movie when the plot isn't even mentioned in it's wikipedia page? Well, how about a movie that just doesn't have one altogether, at all!
Yes my friends.. get ready, for..

"Seven Mummies - Treasure Of The Seven Mummies" 2006 U.S.A

Tagline : "Greed Never Dies."

This shit is going to be so fucking good. It's currently 2:00am on a Monday morning, earlier today I watched the sickeningly boring "Astro Zombies" and felt like ripping out my eyes due to utter mundane boredom.
But alas, I know 'Seven Mummies' will NOT let me down.
This is how I know how.

Directed by Nick Quested, 'Seven.." Oh, sorry.. you don't know who Nick Quested is?
Let me try and refresh your minds.
"Nas : Videology Vol.1" segment titled 'Nas Is Like'... no? didn't see it?
How about the "Three Six Mafia" movie from 2001? Well, Nick Quested was Executive Producer!! Come on!
Ok, Im sure this one will help.. a "special thanks" in the credits of 2005 indie flick "The Squid and The Whale"?

Ok, well.. the main woman (star? maybe?) in this movie is Cerina Vincent. Who once played the first non-asian yellow ranger in Power Rangers and the "sexy" foreign exchange student in "Not Another Teen Movie".
Honorable mention - She died horrifically in "Cabin Fever" and starred in the grammatically incorrect straight to DVD release of "Return To House On Haunted A Hill".

Again. I think this movie is going to be great.

Plot : "Six escaped convicts and their female hostage make a desperate run for the Mexican border, where they stumble across a lost treasure of untold wealth, and find certain death instead on the Arizona desert."

Rumour has it, this movie has an unbelievable ending.
I'm starting this shit right now.

Trailer :

(NOTE : I saw this trailer after i'd seen the movie.. please keep that in mind, please please please keep that in mind.)

Analysis : You know what, I think i'll let the screengrabs do the talking for the start of this movie.

Oh my god.
The title sequence has just begun and i swear it was done on Imovie, trust me, I've used a few of these myself!
You'll be pleased to know that the music is a mix of typical western desert dirge rock backed by simplistic electronic indian tablas for atmosphere.
Long title sequence, especially considering this movie's an hour and 19 minutes long.

Some serious 'made for tv' vibes are washing upon me.


Wow, I guess there really is no time to waste!

So what I want to know is, if they're all convicts that have just crashed in the middle of a desert, how the hell did they manage to wash their hair and straighten it?

Surely the heat would be making it a 'hot mess' by now?

Ok, so basically i'm almost certain the dialogue and music were all created by high schoolers.

The convicts are literally all talking at the same time, and I don't mean, that's how it was written, as in "The convicts all talk". I mean as in all saying full lines, at the same time.. on top of each other.
They're already trekking through the desert in a manor which indicates they have been doing this for the last month.
All of a sudden the dialogue is kept to the bar minimum, the convicts say the word 'Bitch' every time they speak, which is kind of never at the moment. Instead, we get the worst of gangster laptop hip hop.
Literally, nothing has been set up.
They didn't even show the crash in which they got freed.
The car was just turned.

I actually think everyone apart from this guy

Are actually convicts, and this movie was part of their parole.

Or it could just be that these are the greatest and most under appreciated actors of our time.
It's weird, there's kind of nothing to write about, because nothing has happened, and I don't mean that in a boring way, I just mean, I don't even know what I mean. It's just kind of weird.

"Yo, that's a skull man, wassup.. dead man, really dead man.. that ain't no water."

Always one.

So this guy has decided he doesn't want to take orders from 'Fake Sawyer' anymore..

"I'm not following you anywhere, you coming with me or the guy that's gonna get you killed?"

We are exactly 12 minutes into this movie.

I have no idea who any of these people are, they could all get killed, and I wouldn't give a flying fuck.
Where the hell is yellow ranger? She's the highest billed actress for this movie, and all she's said is an ADR'd "get off me" when one of the dudes tried to feel her breasts during a rap song that was played whilst the inmates were walking through the desert.
I'm never going to say that paragraph again in my life, am i?

So anyway, everyone's following 'Fake Sawyer'. No one said anything, they just walked that direction..

"Ponytail Brah" has now just told them "You're all screwed, you're dead, you're gonna die."
I shit you not, this is actual dialogue. Again no one responds, because clearly, there was no script for this movie, as I've just realised.
I don't even know anyone's names. How can I pledge allegiance!


"Hey old man, motherfucker... which way to the border, you speak english motherfucker??"

What's even happening!?
Who are all these people!?!?

I've worked out that this movie has started as if it's episode three in a tv series. Nothing major has happened but the journey has begun.
It's like the simplest manifestation of a cinematic idea possible. And quite literally filming the original incentive.

Well, After writing that last sentence I fell asleep!

It's now 7 am in the morning.
OH! Indian (motherfucker) is now informing us of the curse of the 7 mummies.

None of it makes sense.

But basically, these guys..

Were sworn to protect some cursed treasure, they died, hid the treasure, town was built over the top of dead "Homies" as one of the inmates elegantly put it.
So the inmates own one of the seven medallions (that ain't water!) of the former seven 'homies' and if they reunite it with the hidden 6 then there would be "more treasure than ten men could ever need" (there's only 6 of them..) you with me still?
So indian "motherfucker" has told them.. "Gold this way, border that way."

And now he is literally laughing for 5 full minutes.

Meanwhile this guy.. remember him? Well, looks like he's going to be dead (going to die) [to quote himself upon him] very soon.

HAHA! This is great..


Never a truer word hast been spoketh! My god, that is such a good line!

Not looking good mate.

I took a day off, I have to admit this, but it got too much to handle, i'm not back on the case though!

The next few minutes are somewhat edited like those early KoRn music videos where the singer Johnathon Davis would be in a school locker room underneath a running shower, anyway, that is until he sees a spider next to him, starts shooting frantically, then shoots his foot and collapses.

The rest of the gang have now somehow ended up in Back To The Future 3, or Will Smith's Wild Wild West, which is more fitting, as the relentlessly 90's backdrop pays a fitting tribute to the rented western get up.
This film was made in 2006.

"Come inside.."

"Shit, you ain't gotta tell me twice."

Blonde hair straightened leader seems to be changing his voice depending on script.
When walking he speaks in a low toned gravely two syllabled form of dialect. But when he has to speak up his voice gets quite a bit higher.
Hold on.. non-asian yellow ranger hasn't spoken in a long time...

Another thing i've noticed, a lot of supporting characters seem to be talking without a microphone picking up their speech. Which is probably why I assume everyone except the dudes with straightened hair is ad-libbing.. or maybe it's the script..

"IIIIII Smeellllllllllll Bulllllllshiiiittttttt......"

All whilst the worst hip hop i have ever heard in my entire life is playing in the background.. serious.. "Wild Wild West"!!

Oh i forgot i was watching 'From Dusk Til Dawn"..

Yes ladies and gentlemen, turns out these 'whores' were not what they seemed.

And now it's time for a showdown.
As per usual my Ritz diet isn't enough to get me through this, but alas, funds are low.. and I must carry on with this mission, regardless of little things such as 'food' and 'drink' getting in the way..

How many people do you think have actually seen this film? Like seriously..

I'm just wondering, because, well... i'm pretty sure no one saw this in the cinema.. and it can't have been shown on t.v.. which just leaves people like me streaming it on NETFLIX, or people that have rented or purchased the DVD. But, where would stock it? Maybe I should check to see if it ever aired..

I have so much to do, i'm definitely wasting time watching this movie.

I take that back.. this by far has been the most interesting moment of the day so far, except for when my toilet overflowed of course. Again, the metaphors are truly endless...

"You can't kill us all". Says the zombie cowboy.

Non-asian yellow ranger then shoots at zombie.

He dodges the bullet.

"Ha! First one's always free, now.. second one's gonna cost ya." He retorts.

Blonde hair straightened real actor leader bro then shoots zombie in the chest with a shotgun. He flicks his hair.

"Keep the change."

I won't explain how this next screen grab happened.

"Fucking shoulda gon with dat itty titty white gurl!"

Wait when was this movie made, were Iflips invented? I'd definitely recognize that picture quality anywhere!

"Wish I was back in jail man.."

Anyway, this dude is now on his own after jumping out of the brothel window after stabbing the whore he was having sex with in the eye. He broke his leg and is now using a conveniently placed stick to get around. Whilst his fellow inmates are in an underground cabin hiding somewhere... i don't even know if anyone wanted to know any of this!?

Ok, i am not joking this is the dialogue that just happened... tell me if my theory is not correct, that blonde dude, is an actor with lines, and everyone else, real life inmates, ok.

Blonde Bro : "Go out there and get him, he needs help..."

Latino Bro : "Fuck that, i'm on that good shit, you get him.. fuck.. what.. yeah, pussy.. go out there, yeah, fuck..."

The tension is killing me.

Too late, someone took his head off.

Latino Bro : "Fucking see that shit!?"

Another observation if you will, where are the mummies? And I goddamn wanna see seven of them!!!

"oh no ess ay! Fucking head mayne!! fuck is that? fuckin.. let's..let's go!"

I think I know why the movie's called "Seven Mummies".. because it will definitely take Seven mothers to comfort me after watching this shit.

OR maybe this was a reality tv show, "Running Man" style.. and that's why all the dialogue, storyline and acting is this awful. The show was deemed too "extreme" for the ABC audiences and was made to pass as an actual movie.
But that said, most reality shows have amazing continuity and storylines, so there goes that theory.

Hey he didn't die!!

Oh, literally just as I typed that one of the zombies ate him.

I really didn't imagine this turning into a western zombie movie.

Now they're hiding in another cabin thing... what's even happening here?
There also seems to be an extra cast member blonde girl, suddenly hanging around with them, flimsily written in, she definitely just joined the cast half way through filming, in other words, roughly midday.

I wish my toilet would flush.

Non asian yellow ranger : " No shit, this place is fucking haunted".

That line wasn't even in response to anything!!
Is there really half an hour left? Really?

AH HA! Another Nu-Metal instrumental.

Oh, the new cast member's been 'axed'.

I'm certain some IMovie 'slow-motion' was just used!

So now, the other "real" convict has a leg injury also..kinda weird they'd write that in twice.

Somewhere after writing that last sentence, I completely passed out, I must have had at least some sense to press pause though, as the NETFLIX streaming screen is doing that "refresh browser" thing.

I woke up, sweating with intense abdominal and stomach pains. Something i've grown accustom to over the years in fact.
A rush to the bathroom, a lot of heavy breathing and "wall holding" ensues.

Great, this movie is soo fucking bad it's made me close to physically ill.

Concentrate on the near future, tomorrow afternoon, i May (hopefully) be seeing 'Sorority Row' in the cinema.. The plan was to see 'Jennifer's Body' but it's not out for another week..

Anyway, i'm getting distracted, i'm almost certain i'm in my bathroom right now because of my diet this past week. Consisting of mainly snack based carbohydrates.
Worst thing is that the toilet isn't even fully fixed, i'm on a half blocked previously overflowing toilet.. adding to the already damaged goods.
Whether I clean this now (4:04 am) or later in the day time it's not going to be fun.

Look, get it together. I'll finish this movie in my bathroom.

I'm actually somewhat curious as to the ending.

Ok, i'll get back to it as soon as i'm done filling this out


Damn, I over estimated myself, I passed out until the end..let me find where I was.. so close, so far..

Right, running to take shelter in a church, got it.

Oh weird, so the blonde haired bro.. his real life name is Matt Schulze, and the last movie he was in was....
Mike Judge's "Extract"! Which I actually saw last week with my girlfriend Nicole.
He plays a character second from last in the listings called 'Willie' who I can't for the life of me remember unfortunately.
He also starred in one episode of the hit cult T.V show 'Charmed' and of course, in 2005 this -
Fitting my stomach issues would strike again just as i type that last line.

Fuck... I am truly in a very bad way right now, again, I wish my toilet wasn't broken right now.. makes this whole experience a thousand times worse.

As soon as i've finished watching this movie, i'm going to return to trying to finish The Beatles Anthology Directors Cut on youtube... it's made up of 111 videos, and altogether is around the 1100 minute marks.. it's been intense, but really insightful! All the original interviews, before Paul Mcartney made them do new ones and edit lots of stuff out..
Distracted again!

I promise i'll be in better shape for the next movie.

Another fact is the guy that says "Ess Ay" all the time, is actually an actor and not a real life convict, unfortunately. His name is Noel G. He starred as a 'warden' in "The Soloist" this year.
But more interesting is the fact that he was actually in another movie with Danny Terjo, who plays the laughing indian dude from earlier in this movie, and who I completely overlooked whilst writing up the beginning.
Anyway, the movie they both appeared in is Snoop Dogg's Horror film "Hood Of Horror" which bares one of my favourite taglines ever.

"It AIN'T all good in the hood".

I wonder if it's on the list?

So they've entered the church.

Oh crap. I have no toilet paper.

I'll stay here a bit longer and hopefully some will appear.
Urgh, I actually remember these scenes, I must have been drifting in and out, god.. i'm watching this twice!? I'm actually watching this twice...

They just found the gold, but now several mummies (not seven) have come to life in the most ludicrous fashion ever. Involving kung fu.
If ever there was a sign that a movie was written by a college kid it's the mis-use of bad kung fu!

Ironically the fighting and background music is very reminiscent of Power Rangers.

I love the mummies face!

Just ripped out 'Ess Ays" eyes.

Why ARE the mummies using Kung Fu?
I guess this is some climax, i didn't expect Kung Fu mummies.. really, I didn't.

Now if you excuse me, I must go shower, listen to 'Wingspan' best of wings, and clean my toilet... some of these at same time, some before the other.
You work it out.

Here's the ending told via the stunt team.

My Thoughts On This Movie Summed Up In One Screen Grab :