Sunday, August 23, 2009

98. The Astro Zombies

I'm not going to lie, I feel slightly ruined, lost, somewhat misguided thanks to "In The Mix"... that was such an upsettingly awful movie.
But, i remain optimistic. One of the most exciting aspects of this little experiment are all the movies NOT from the late 90s that are on the list. The first of this, is Astro Zombies. A movie, if it not for this blog, I would almost have been certain that I had seen at some point, but as it turns out, luckily. I haven't.
My only knowledge (without having to look anything up) of this movie is that Danzig named a Misfits song after it, a pretty good one, that's all I know. It's time to get real. I should add this is the first movie on the list I am watching via NETFLIX streaming.
"The Astro Zombies" 1968 U.S

Tagline : "Dismembered Bodies, Transplanted Organs, Are Used To Create The e.t.c."

The movie was written directed and produced (YES! My favourite trilogy..wish he starred in it also) by Ted V.Mikels, a name I do know, a master of the Grindhouse in his own right, I actually had no idea he made this movie. A movie in which the myth of it has surely i'm assuming surpassed it's talent. But then, This is the director that gave us (and starred in) "Dr Sex" 4 years prior to the making of this movie.
This might be the first (and last) movie on the list that actually has somewhat of a cult following, as in people do seem to genuinely love this movie.
So much so, that in 2002 Ted V.Mikels saw it necessary to re-create "The Astro Zombies" instead, naming it "Mark Of The Astro Zombies" (Obviously, i'll have to watch this at some point also.)
I can't help thinking about Tommy Wissau, creator of my favourite movie "The Room". He has no idea why people find his serious drama the most hilarious movie ever made. Yet he will revel in the glory as if it was after all, everything he intended, so when he tries to make his comedic soap opera to cater to such a new found audience, it becomes one of the worlds greatest mind fucks.
He has no idea as to why people found him funny when doing a drama, so now imagine that same person trying to make a comedy, for that same audience, I still don't think i've recovered from seeing it..

Another fun fact is that apparently near 80% of this movie was shot on property of M*A*S*H actor Wayne Rogers.

I should add, this movie features Tura Satana... playing a character named "Satana".
I'm pretty fucking excited about watching this!

Keep in mind, I really don't think Troll 2 is a bad movie.. no irony involved. I think i'll write up why at some point, not sure when.. anyway...

Plot : A scientist gets fired from a space agency, so decides to create Superhuman Monsters from the parts of dead bodies, that, low and behold, decide to go on a killing spree. I'm definitely somewhat slightly disappointed that the Astro part of the title is just because they were made by a scientist...

Let The Games Begin!

Analysis : Holy crap, this shit starts straight away!

Well, if by straight away I mean a solid few minutes of a woman driving..whatever, i still have high hopes for this one!

She just pulled into her garage and I believe, we have our first sighting of an 'Astro Zombie'..

She definitely knows something is watching her..

She'll get out of the car anyway. So far this movie has started WAY better than "In The Mix" even though it literally is just a woman driving through the californian suburbs for 5 minutes.

She should have stayed in the car.


I'm literally praying these toy robots are meant to be Life Sized or at least giants.. literally praying..

I don't believe they are though, I know this movie is meant to be bad, but I refuse to believe this would be the case, they're definitely going to cut to a kid playing with some toys in a sand patch or something..

WOAH WOAH WOAH.. Hold on..
Look who the second screenplay writer is!??!

Do people even know about this, 'Trapper' from M*A*S*H Co-wrote the screenplay to Astro Zombies!? No wonder it's filmed in his backyard! Jesus..

I'm still waiting to find out if these are meant to be toys or not..

Well, they haven't answered this question.. but look at the 'blood' on this guys hand!? Incredible, he also wins the award for best ADR of an injured man.

Maybe it's from all the destruction the robots caused.. maybe.

I'm gonna guess that this is the scientist dragging said corpse.

Wow, so there really was no reason for that insanely loud and weird toy robot title sequence, amazing.

Things are getting serious.
This guy below is now stressing how worried he is about all the mutilation murders going on...
The dialogue is extremely non sensical at the moment, and sooo longggg.
Every sentence drags out, then doubles, and is then repeated for every person in the room. It feels like i'm at an elderly family gathering, and no one's spitting out quite what they feel like saying... at the risk of sounding like a blood thirsty kid, but where's the blood?! I'm thirsty..

I'm pretty sure smoking in a lab amongst 'real' brains is not hygienic.
Urgh, I don't even know what is happening!! They're just talking.

"What you mean to say doctor is one man's brains can be transmitted into another mans brain and controlled thoughts from another man?"


"A sort of a Zombie?"

"That's not exactly the scientific term.."

"Well, what else do you call a man with a synthetic electrical driven heart, a stainless steel mesh stomach, a plastic pancreas " e.t.c....

I wish he said, a sort of a "Astro Zombie" and then winked into the camera.

Ok, smoking guy has been hired to track down the murderous scientist. Got It.

Oh Hi Satana...

It's kinda weird how the white guy is brown and the asian girl is white.

So far i'm actually quite enjoying this! I mean, it's pretty boring, but it's not offending me!
I'm pretty sure I can finish it before bowling a bit later on..
OH SHIT, someone just died.

Anyway, i'm excited about getting back to the bowling aisle. I'm planning on entering the league with a team of my own in the fall. Got to practice as much as possible.
Oh, someone else just died.. this time, they got run over.

Oh I see, this is where it all happens, how exciting!

It's odd, the whole movie has this weird subdued feel, as if i'm watching a detective movie from the late 50's, rather than a sci fi horror movie from the early 60's.
It's just not that exciting, considering people are being killed.
All the male characters speak in that stern old fashioned "man" voice, that just for some reason flies right through your brain without ever sticking, Like a sunday afternoon whilst your dad watches some kind of "boring" movie and all you want to do is switch over to MTV / Cartoons / e.t.c... That's what this movie reminds me of, That very feeling.. when you were about 7 years old. And couldn't possibly understand why your Dad was wasting such time watching something that was quite clearly boring and abysmal in your mind.

Again, this movie isn't offending me, and I wouldn't call it awful. It's just sooo drawn out and long and soo much talking between men in lab coats that look like this.

Jesus, I had no idea creating zombies was so boring!
Wow, even my internet agreed with me, as it seems to have just cut out...actually, let me fix this..

Man, so whilst watching this i've started to do other things, that's how boring this is.. i found this if any of you guys are interested.

Basically it's a screenshot comparison between James Cameron's "Avatar" trailer and the movie "Delgo" which came out last year, pretty funny/interesting..
Ok, let's check back in with this movie.

Oh good, still making a zombie, scientist still has his right eye closed.
And this might possibly the LONGEST blood draining scene in history.. all one shot, that's pretty genius when I think about it..
I'm going to just assume there's a huge payoff at the end of this movie.
I can't get over how misleading this all is! What a trick!
The whole thing is just a load of dudes in lab coats talking to each other in monotonous tones.
Makes me wonder if "Dr Sex" is just a single shot for two hours of a kid reading a porno.

Urgh, this one's back.

You know, i have no idea what the storyline with her in the restaurant even was about,..


Wow. That was some kind of a payoff I guess, Astro Zombie fondling some female scientist side boob..

Now this is happening.

If you're lost amongst all of this, so am I.. so am I.

At least things have picked up now, and I don't have to search for James Cameron trailers whilst watching this.
Actually, whilst I'm on this subject, does anyone think 'Avatar' looks a lot like Star Wars Episode 1 : The Phantom Menace?
The worst thing is, as unforgivable a movie that was, at least it was Star Wars. There's nothing to forgive Cameron's effort featuring cgi blue aliens riding winged creatures whilst shooting flame throwers. Wow, that description actually made me kind of like it..

This girl is still dancing by the way.

Still naked and covered in paint.

That's how long each scene is in this movie.
I have time to think, write, search, write, think, write and a scene still hasn't even played out, in fact, a shot usually hasn't even played out.

Oh, she's done.

These guys loved it!

"I love that chick!"
Hah! Best line of the movie!!

Is this the weirdest scene in cinema?
Quite possibly.. where the hell are those god damn Astro Zombies? Why is the detective playing with his fork and spoon!?

I'm only half way through.

You know, I think Tura's only said about two lines in this whole movie, and I still don't quite understand her role in all of this, maybe it's my own fault for not paying well enough attention.
But it's soo hard!!?

I go away for just over a week on thursday, this is what's playing on my mind right now, the escapism aspect of cinema has been shattered, and i'm not intent on homing in on logistics and plans for the week ahead, thank you very much Astro Fucking Zombies. How has an hour gone by and I've only seen two! The first of which was right at the start of the movie. They barely deserve to even pluralize the title!

I'm too un motivated to screen grab what just happened.
But that Tura broad just shot a couple dudes. There you go, do you feel like you've watched it?

Oh no, we're back in the lab again.

I'm guessing this is the scientist girl from earlier? So hold on.. let me just get this straight. The Astro Zombies go out, and find victims, for the scientists to cut up, and make into more Astro Zombies..that's one hell of a vicious circle. I wonder if M*A*S*H bro had time to really plot this one out before setting pen to paper.

No exaggeration, there was just a three minute silence whilst these lab bro's played around with equipment. Pure silence.. and yes, he's still closing his right eye.

I'm so upset, I was willing for this movie to be enjoyable in some form at least..
But no, it's this guy reading in his uninterested voice every five minutes...

I want to die.
If i'd only shown you this one screen grab above, would you EVER assume it was from a movie titled "Astro Zombies"?

Oh, well this makes three Astro Zombies.. maybe they could re title the movie "A Few Astro Zombies".
I'd never looked closely (well, I only had two times to try!) at the mask for the Astro Zombies, it's quite clearly just a plastic helmet.
So upsetting... so so upsetting.

They seem intent on trying to strip the girls they attack, well, both of them anyway.

Wow, this one escaped!
But is now crying like a fucking horse. I think it was overdubbed...

"The Astro Man got away..."

Hold on, wait a second, what did he just call him? Someone needs to inform this guy the title of the movie.

So far, Tura has a higher kill count than any Astro Zombie/Man.
And that;s whether you include by hand, gunshot, or ordering one of her cronies to do it for her.
And yes, this girl is still on the table.

Not long left now, I wonder what the climax will be.
I'm still holding out for a payoff of some kind.

Here we go ten minutes left.
The two worlds collide! I wonder how this will play out!

Running around with a torch in his head, what a "bright spark"... (i'm sorry).

Urgh, obviously 5 minutes of these ten minutes is them talking..

Holy shit! Look who's now joined the party!

So it turns out the climax is a few feeble gunshots and Astro Bro running around with a machete hacking people up.

Then eventually electrocuting this annoying broad.

Then more shots of the robots from the title sequence.

I'm cool with that.
Good Movie!

My Thoughts On This Movie Summed Up In One Screen Grab :


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